a source of spiritual misery. ——– by Caio Fern.

 

 

Oh, the electricity must to be saved this month. Let’s only use flash lights I bought for camping that didn’t happen yet, it is late of night and will make the neighbors freak out thinking there is a thief at home.

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She is skinny and beautiful but since when it is secrete the fact men like me have a strong preference for more fleshy women?

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I could be quite in my corner pretending I am one of them but I had to take risks. I know what you are talking behind my back. I know because others have said the same before. It is your lack of authenticity that makes you a stranger to me, not what you think or do. I know what it leads to… I’ve survived many times.

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As long as I understood, Jesus said the sons of the world are smart for the things of this world but the sons of God aren’t so much. It only proves to Whom all my existence belongs. I don’t know what to do with myself and I am too old to learn new tricks. I don’t know how to survive and the fact I am alive proves that miracles happen every single day all the time.

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It is all very disappointing because everything I can do with a group I do much better and faster alone. So I put the helmet on and one of my old flannel shirts. I face the cold wind and never look back listening to music composed and recorded in distant countries because they remind me of the life I don’t have, but share the feelings. After many kilometers: DAWN.

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Dawn is never glamorous or pretty as I can’t see it through buildings and other concrete constructions. It is more like an intuition that something new is up to start. And in fact something new starts… but nothing changes. How can something new starts if the old things never get finished? So…..

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You leave home with faith that in some corner someone will notice you and give you a chance to live with dignity and be loved. You do many things to force it to happen, you do all the right things and the wrong things, you go to all the kinds of places and cross the world. After so many years you only go back home and take your shoes off saying to yourself tomorrow is a new day, who knows, brush your teeth before to go to bed.

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She is skinny and beautiful. And so smart and mature for her age…. but is still too young for me. She wants to experiment things I am already tired to know. She has to pass by situations I don’t want to pass anymore and I hated when it happened. We can’t be together. She says she loves me, she doesn’t, she loves the lies I told her and will never confess.

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It is weird to see the world by this angle. Everything is so far from this remote flipped over south side. What is the difference between watching a movie with Hobbits or a documentary about the global economy? So it is nice to wear my best suit with English cut to ride a Chinese bike listening to Swiss musik being an German-Italian guy with a Portuguese last name in a South American country going to a Japanese supermarket buying Brazilian supplies and prepare Bavarian food throwing bites to my Tibetan dogs while watching North American sitcoms. What does it mean? Nothing. Obvious identity is for cowards.

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ohhh. But I am a coward. Guilty. As every man I have my list of necessities. Things I must to conquer in this life. Recently I realized all my dreams aren’t less silly and useless than the list of toys I used to do for Christmas when was a children.  I don’t want to face the fact all I need for real is death and salvation. Who is brave enough to embrace this? Death is natural, but salvation…. Would I recognize real light if I see it? Would I see it anyway?

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So it is Saturday-Sunday past midnight and soon I will go out to ride, among drizzle, junks, drunk drivers, dirt, and whores. Among sin and crimes the air is fresher to brief and easier to run. Sure I fear for myself. There is always a chance to be my last ride, breath and sight. I am a stag in the forest, not a predator even if I run and observe as a ranger.

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It is funny because at 8:00 AM a group of cyclists will be gathered to run all down town, when it is warm and safe. I will be there pretending I am one of them, ignoring what they say behind my back. Hi, you know my name and I am one of you. My lies never end. My body will be exhausted and they will be fat and lazy after breakfasts complain it is too early for a Sunday and are still feeling asleep.  I just want an excuse to ride a little bit more, this time feeling safe even if it is all fake.

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List of things I must to conquer in this life. Doesn’t matter the results, any idea related to it is a source of spiritual misery.

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All the arrogance of my hands – by Caio Fern.

One more hot shower in a cold day and I will be done before to face the tea and the drizzle out there.  The dogs stink and my house has a light aroma of  Dijon Mustard, Einsbein and feet. The grey light coming through the not so opened window makes it perfect.  It is all the same over the dark brow furniture and that is what I fought so much for. Have my prayers been answered already?  If should I ride the bike with my rain coat or take the subway with my umbrella, if should I stay home pretending I am doing something useful or dig myself under the blanket…..only the extension of my chest will be able to say.  So…. if I looked for that specific kind of warm golden skin and breasts was because I only wanted protection while pretended I was the Alfa Male of the situation. She was supposed to worthship me in a cozy presence while I hold her in my arms saying everything would be fine as it was all I wanted so much to hear my entire life.  Oh yes yes yes my dear, I know more than every one could……  let’s not forget how blessed I am for have been so cursed and never, never whisper or murmur again. One day the sea will be opened and all the difference will be made. I know the promises and  I know my wishes, and… I know very well what I am capable to do, you don’t have to repeat it all over again. Haven’t I kept myself faithful to all this? All the arrogance of my hands and smiles come from my humble nature, see, it is very naive if you look into my eyes at least once.  In the shower I realized that only exist three kinds of women in this world :   - The ones who throw themselves on me.    - The ones who masturbate thinking of me.    - And the ones who masturbate thinking about me and then throw themselves on me.   Yeah, I know I am handsome.   When I woke up this morning I felt like a grey bubble filled with all the traumas and negativity of my life was been taking out of my body and soul for good. Then I fell asleep again. Then I woke up almost noon. Then I noticed it was drizzling. Then the aquarium fishes needed to be fed. Then I felt cold and dirt. Then I forgot all I was supposed to do in my life. Then I was free. Then I remembered all my life was supposed to be and isn’t. Then I was miserable again.  It is so peaceful to be a failure in flesh holding a hot mug in the cold afternoon while all the success out there in the world struggles so hard to keep their miserable prosperity.  Let me just sit here in front of my bike leaned against the wall while the harry red dog lies on my feet  working on his new bone. I quit the world again, I am free for today.

Blog showing my work. Thank you very much .

Blog showing my work. Thank you very much .

http://blog.naver.com/PostView.nhn?blogId=neoegostyle&logNo=100122449850&parentCategoryNo&categoryNo=87&viewDate&isShowPopularPosts=false&from=postView

I confess it is only me …………………………and I almost don’t mind.

 

 

 

 

The living room smells and I am part of it.  
Have hiking boots for distant mountain tracks I don’t even know on. 
Helmet on, gloves on, camping backpack on, favorite flannel shirt on, pants on, thick socks on, flash lights on, Swiss Army knife on.  
 
Who is the one 
Who promised to forget all the pretty songs 
Who rides its hybrid bike alone 
Who goes to church as holding a gun 
Who has green tea in front of an aquarium with wooden tea water and uber filled with green moss  
Who listens the dogs barking loud 
Who prefers when the days are cold 
Who the favorite color is green but says it is blue  
…….and eats apples with a cup of cold milk standing in the backyard looking up trying to find a piece of sky? 
 
I confess it is me 
I confess it is me 
I confess it is only me. 
……………………………..and I almost don’t care.  
 
Tons of homemade sauerkraut again.  
Kept in sterilized jars of glass piled inside the wooden cupboard. 
The trees were all planted only at the other side of the city.  
Does anyone truly believe South America exists?  
 
I am tense balancing my life over fragile two wheels. 
Paranoid about cars and buses coming against me 
And homeless crack junkies watching me as hounds from the sidewalk. 
It is so nice…calm and quiet.. and full of life 
Speeding up under drizzle and rain and darkness and silence with no witness for crimes.   
So lonely only wishing to leave here fast and escape with no harm.  
 
Who is the one 
Who has a fake German watch and an authentic Italian tie 
Who doesn’t clean the house very well 
Who paints self portraits different of how he looks like to see it for real 
Who collects pictures of tiny green houses and dream 
Who prays to Jesus with Faith 
Who keeps Java Moss in mugs in the windows of the bedrooms 
Who lives in Sao Paulo loving places as Wisconsin as it was London 
Who loves German Shepherds living with four Lhasa Apsos  
Who doesn’t care for English speaking but is incapable to write in its own language   
Who wears DolceandGabbana fragrance to buy fruits because may have hot girls there 
Who is deeply grateful for everything moments before to buy another lottery ticket 
…….and eats apples with a cup of cold milk standing in the backyard looking up trying to find a piece of sky? 
 
I confess it is me 
I confess it is me 
I confess it is only me 
…………………………and I almost don’t mind.  

 

 

 

Caio Fern, BOM PERFEITO E AGRADAVEL, 2013, acrylic on canvas, Good perfect and enjoyable

Good perfect and enjoyable ( the translation from what is on the canvas ).
Like my life now and all God’s promises.  

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Hallo Welters !!!!!!  
Today I decided to start to paint. But I prepared this piece of canvasses three days ago ( or two?) , I didn’t feel mentally and emotionally prepared to sit and take the brush.  
I still don’t.  
But the work was very nice and calm. I spent the day singing and relaxing watching my aquarium which is prettier than ever, prettier, wilder, full of life as has never been before. Oh, I love my aquarium.  
It has been three months since I finished my last painting. I wasn’t feeling remorse for do not paint at all. I was very fine with that. But I felt it was about time to start to work.  
I didn’t have any intention to overcome myself and try to go beyond I had gone lately. I only wanted to hold the brush , feel the weight of the paint ( tons , it weights like many tons sometimes ) and do a work which could make me feel like home again.  
Mission accomplished !  
These last three months I just enjoyed my new bike and I have practiced hard to travel long distances on it. I spent all the money I had in accessories and stuff like that and I quit my job as a teacher ( I liked that job but it was time to move on).  
So I basically only ride my bike and take care of my aquarium, dogs, and domestic things, post silly pretty images on pinterest and check emails when I get a free time. Why not to add one more activity, the main one? Painting. The one which really makes my life have a real meaning.  

About this paint in particular… it is just a self portrait, a very happy one.  

Let’s see what I am going to paint this year, I have no idea and no plans.  
I love so much to do not have any commitment with any kind of professional activity about art. I can only do what I want, if I want, when I want, the way I want and tell the rest of the world to go back to where it came from: hell.  

I am really not in the mood now to write about all the very detailed stuff about art in general things and my work that has passed by my mind all this time I was not painting. My head didn’t stop… but I decided to restart the painting from the point I had stopped.  
I am more in the mood to talk about everything related to cyclism and planted aquarium. And what about you?  

Ride a new life

 

 

Hello Welters.  

I’ve taken advantage of my privileges of Welter Konig and recently only enjoyed life.  
Well, I bought this new bike, a Gallo Hydroform, a Brazilian brand from Guarulhos, a city into Sao Paulo’s metropolis. It is a really good hard tail mountain bike and I ride the city on it, flying and sewing among cars, buses, trucks, vans , motorcycles. Please, pray  for my life. hahahah. After the accident last Monday when I overturned and almost became an asphalt’s carpet I promise that will take care. Oh, I am fine, it was a real God’s miracle. I only left the place with a small scratch on my elbow and the bike is unspoilt. In Sao Paulo I decided to ride a mountain bike because it is too crazy for an urban bike, or speed, or road bike. I use to say the streets here are a mountain bike track with asphalt and extremely heavy traffic.  
I haven’t painted. I am thinking about it every single day but I haven’t done anything, not even gotten into the studio.  
You can call it crises, laziness, whatever. It is all this and much more.  
The truth is that I am changing my personality, ways to see myself and the world and changing my life in many aspects and even. New attitudes and new dreams. Some old dreams are kept too.  
I changed my diet, my way to make living, my clothes, my everyday routine, the decoration of my house ( Actually I have only threw things away now and bought very few little stuff ), my taste for music, my way to deal with close people, with strangers. Well…. I have changed everything.  
And I don’t know what to do with myself when it is about painting or art in general. As a matter of fact, I don’t even know if will keep producing because if I change everything in my life I change my way reasons to have a relationship with art too, as audience and as artist.  
I don’t know how it will affect my work. Or if it will be able to be called “work”.  

My last paintings were able to make so many things get clear to me . Check this post if you want to understand : http://silentspots.blogspot.com.br/2013/02/painting-dream-free-deer-blood-jesus.html 

It is incredible.  
Exactly 10 years ago happened something very similar.  
2002 was a year when my painting arrived to a top quality I didn’t imagined it would at the time  ( http://silentspots.blogspot.com.br/2009/11/2002-by-caio-fernandes-year-i-proved.html ) . When 2003 started I faded about inspiration because big transformations were happening in my mind and life , as it is happening now. These transformations were what latter I called Mein Welt , the paintings made between 2004 and 2009 reflecting the lifestyle esthetic and dreams of that moment.  

So I am very calm about it all and living a happy life among bike rides, cafes, shopping and buying new clothes, green tea in the afternoons, church in the evenings, taking care of my amazon aquarium, sunny days ( remember, it is summer here, almost autumn ) , pretty people, new recipes for my new culinary taste, and dog walks ( my 4 Lhasa apsos are better than ever).  

Now I am late for the dentist. 
Yes, Supreme Kaisers like me have to go to the dentist sometimes too. Only for a check up. We are almost like you, common people.  

All the best to my beloved people von Mein Welt.   
See you .  

3 brand new old works, 2004 , found here in MEIN WELT.

 

I had lately discovered older works, one has been already posted earlier last week and now these 3 here.  I never forgot then, as a matter of fact I knew very well where they were, in the deepest part of a closet I have here… and for some reason that painting of the man training the dog has never left my mind… but it has been many years since I didn’t see them.  They are from 2004.  The one of the girl with the German shepherd I know very well the reason I had it hidden, I am ashamed of they way I painted her face, I don’t know how I lost so much control and made her so ugly.  I will try to fix her face one day…. one day.  ……… and for the last, the fish, an Angel Fish or as we call it here, Acara Bandeira, I used to breed this specimen and I still love these fishes, now I am focusing more on smaller specimens but with the same origins, the Amazon Black River.  These works were made in a time when I was having very similar feelings I am having now about my work, painting and art in general.  I need a rest from myself and my work, it can take one day or one year or one decade, who knows? Who cares ? I want something else my work has offered.  But every day I wake up feeling like to paint but don’t know how or what. These paintings were made exactly when I created the Mein Welt concept for my life style.  So all this feeling about getting tired of myself is never a symptom of depression or any kind of lack of excitement. It is part of the creative process. It has highs and lows.  I thought it would be nice to share these 3 works with you. Hope you enjoy it.