Caio Fern, BOM PERFEITO E AGRADAVEL, 2013, acrylic on canvas, Good perfect and enjoyable

Good perfect and enjoyable ( the translation from what is on the canvas ).
Like my life now and all God’s promises.  

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Hallo Welters !!!!!!  
Today I decided to start to paint. But I prepared this piece of canvasses three days ago ( or two?) , I didn’t feel mentally and emotionally prepared to sit and take the brush.  
I still don’t.  
But the work was very nice and calm. I spent the day singing and relaxing watching my aquarium which is prettier than ever, prettier, wilder, full of life as has never been before. Oh, I love my aquarium.  
It has been three months since I finished my last painting. I wasn’t feeling remorse for do not paint at all. I was very fine with that. But I felt it was about time to start to work.  
I didn’t have any intention to overcome myself and try to go beyond I had gone lately. I only wanted to hold the brush , feel the weight of the paint ( tons , it weights like many tons sometimes ) and do a work which could make me feel like home again.  
Mission accomplished !  
These last three months I just enjoyed my new bike and I have practiced hard to travel long distances on it. I spent all the money I had in accessories and stuff like that and I quit my job as a teacher ( I liked that job but it was time to move on).  
So I basically only ride my bike and take care of my aquarium, dogs, and domestic things, post silly pretty images on pinterest and check emails when I get a free time. Why not to add one more activity, the main one? Painting. The one which really makes my life have a real meaning.  

About this paint in particular… it is just a self portrait, a very happy one.  

Let’s see what I am going to paint this year, I have no idea and no plans.  
I love so much to do not have any commitment with any kind of professional activity about art. I can only do what I want, if I want, when I want, the way I want and tell the rest of the world to go back to where it came from: hell.  

I am really not in the mood now to write about all the very detailed stuff about art in general things and my work that has passed by my mind all this time I was not painting. My head didn’t stop… but I decided to restart the painting from the point I had stopped.  
I am more in the mood to talk about everything related to cyclism and planted aquarium. And what about you?  

The hunted Stag, or if you prefer, the nazi experiment born again Christian in South America, Caio Fern, 2012, acrylic on canvas.

It was supposed to be made slowly, calmly, no hurry, today I intended to go to the Japanese supermarket few blocks here from my house and buy Gyosa, Moyashi and spend the night at home watching movies, preparing and eating nice food. But…. as yesterday I had painted the part below of the work, the one where you see a head looking up splinted in two and in twisted positions….. today again I woke up early and decided to paint that self portrait in the middle. The black double-t-shirt in vertical and the green part was added, there was supposed to be written the text I posted other day about stag, born-again-Christian and the nazi dialog. I started to write but.. .well… go to understand, how can I paint a self portrait with so many details but I am absolute not able to write with any kind of paint or ink ? I gave up, it was too ugly and boring to do. So this is the work. Tah Dah !!!!!! hahaha. I would paint my hair black, but I spent all the time “cleaning” the brush on that area where the hair would be. When I finished the head and would start the hair, wow, it got cool that way, I was tired and when it happens is when the creativity gets opened, because I am lazy I always find alternatives for do NOT make anything else or do it in the easier and fastest way. The hair got good this way. And… well, if it isn’t a God’s bless and inspiration, it totally fits into the dialog I had written. Not saying that it is summer here and when it is hotter my eyes get greener, so it got funny , the self-portrait’s head is in a position that looks like I am a criminal taking those pictures at the police station. All this is pretty fine for the proposal of the work. The hunted Stag, or if you prefer, the nazi experiment born again Christian in South America.Hope you like it, have a nice weekend. this is the dialogue was supposed to be on the painting : Stag  - A South American dialogue between a Traditional Nazi ( Joseph Mengele’s assistant’s granddaughter ) and a Reborn Fundamentalist Christian painter. - Penis, neck and chest used to bleed like a hunted stag. - It has been a trophy, Mein Lieber. - Eu, Ich.. I mean, I am not. - Isn’t you who decidesss. - Warum werent sie verhaftet, wenn in diesem Teil der Welt angekommen? Desse lado do mundo ? - Speak only the devil’s language which came from North. - Eu don’t know it very well…prefiro na lingua que eu penso. - Isn’t you who choosesss. But for your comfort, me neither. - Why weren’t they arrested when arrived to this side of the world? - Their services and knowledge seemed to please and satisfy all parts involved here. - Does my blood belong to their blood line? - Nein, you came from their victims. - Am I one of their experiments? - Sie sind nicht. - Because I had one very strong genetic characteristic of their experiments. - If you say so… let’s call it a coincidence. - Coincidence isn’t a very scientific or spiritual term, is it? And stop to play with your thighs in front of me. - I know your weakness. - You are not the Frau I am supposed to take. - Oh, I am sorry. Are you supposed to take only one now? We both know you don’t like this rule, Stag. - When Jesus called I answered. Now I am washed in His blood. They can’t touch me anymore. - Blood blood blood. It is all about blood….. and blood lines. - Not even you are able to touch me. Stop to hunt. Nobody can. - It is all about blood line. Has been since from the very beginning, from Adam. - I don’t care. I am free. Eu sou livre. - Stag. - He made me much more than this. Essa foi nossa ultima conversa e contato. Eu te lanço no abismo, Nephilim, junto com sua suastica. ( That was our last conversation and contact. I throw you into the abyss, Nephilim*, along with your swastika ). *The Nephilim were the offspring of the “sons of God” ( fallen Angels ) and the “daughters of men” according to Genesis 6:4, a new breed not approved by God.

Me doesn’t we. Acrylic on canvas by Caio Fern, 2012.

ME DOESN’T WE. Jesus Christ is the only Truth. ME DOESN’T THEY.the name of that place is place and is only another place. She said I am brand new and this is only my third reincarnation on this planet. I don’t know who you are and I am very inclined to do not care. somebody doesn’t love me and nobody never will. Somebody loves me and everybody always will. This is not your business. I am the one supposed to deal with it. ————————————————————————- Today was one of those days … nothing worked , I spent 6 hours working on this painting and it was a problem after the other. From the start I didn’t want to paint but I had promised that today I would at least start  one new work. All went wrong, I was for so reason so anxious and it made all become a problem. I didn’t see what I was doing, so immersed in my own thoughts that I didn’t pay attention on what I was looking at and not even the painting itself. I only noticed that nothing was going right, all the plots and spots were not working and the painting was getting more and more horrible, shallow and cheap. I didn’t like one single brush stroke. I still don’t. Then I started to cut, and all I had imagined went wrong again. Incredible, when everything is going right the world around seems like heaven, when everything is wrong, the studio gets too small, I get all clumpy and make everything fall to the floor, the elbow touches the wet paint…… I took a picture to post and the computer simply didn’t open the new photo. I spent more than one hour trying to upload the photo from the camera to the laptop. I had to invent another way to do it and I don’t understand anything about computers. Not saying I am now very late for going to my job. I never give up. hahah. Yes, the photo sucks but this is the smaller problem. I am not sure if I am going to work on this again. I will see it today when arrive form job or tomorrow when I will have more time. In the end I always win, I finished a painting and posted even with everything against. What would be an horrible day of failure became my personal victory over it. It is like every day I say to the fleshy life of this dimension of existence : bitch please, I am bigger than you.

Personal contradictions about this… Caio Fern, 2012, acrylic on canvas.

how  can feelings be so contradictory about a work ?

for many times during I was painting it I got exited about and worked hard to make things happen…. other times I was exploding in total lack of patience and completely stopped to believe on it.

I am staring at this on the wall and still have the most divided feelings about.
Sincerely, this work is so well behaved and so predictable under my expectations that I feel like to go out to the street and punch someone with it to see if the blood spots will make the painting better or at least ruin it completely.

oh, yes, I like it… but… no, it isn’t what I need/want to paint now.
I mean… it doesn’t go beyond what I’ve done, it is a good work but didn’t add anything new in my life, any new territory fed me with any new kind of nutrient.
What I have inside me now isn’t there… what I need isn’t there too.
I do hope other people like it, I can understand as people have different needs from each other…. maybe this work can help me in the future… then I will be able to appreciate it without having to give or suck all my energy from the plots, spots, colors, textures and cuts.

girls as pillars and nailing at 3 or 4 am. Caio Fern, 2012, acrylic on canvas.

It was supposed to be started this morning when I have an extra time. But when I arrived at night from my job who could hold me? I was exited and wanted to work on this piece I had prepared the canvasses earlier. I didn’t know what to do, only had a very raw initial idea.
Let’s say that it got done at 3 or 4 am.
sorry neighbor for the hammer’s noise nailing this work on the wall very late….well… all the neighbors here already hate me and don’t even look to my face when I pass by the street… so…. except for the fact everybody here is the typical tough bully Italian guy that does everything to get into a fight, I think there is nothing to be lost…. so nail it on the wall at 3 am and fuck off. Again, sorry. hahahah.
When I finished, the main format gave me the impression of a lung. I called this work ” Pink Lungs of a Internal Psychological Move”.
Thank God I don’t use to name and put titles on my works. hahahahaha.

Ok, the little girl. She isn’t pretty, but she is so cute. hahaha. For the ones that have followed my work you must to remember that for years I have made self portraits as little girl.
This one isn’t different and I love her , she is fragile and very small….. but she stares the viewer and dares to give a step beyond.
She is there because the painting, after finished, needed something else… I felt a problem with the balance, it wasn’t in 100% harmony… so the girl acts as a pillar giving balance to the whole work.
Her dress was all black at first… but I thought would be nice to make it have the same color than the rest of the work.
This is it.
I woke up in the morning and have time to do some work studio before to leave.
I am going to have a great day and wish the same to you. Hope you have liked this work.

I lost my nostrils many times. Caio Fern, 2012, acrylic on canvas.

I finished this work few hours ago….
Started yesterday and had only few hours to work… I had 3 or 4 hours to finish the first part, the top one was the only thing I was sure that wanted to paint, it is a head looking up…. simple and small… right ? Right. I thought again that would finish that in few minutes. It happens that I had trouble painting the first nostril, when I finished and went to paint the second one… wow, I lost the first !!!! I wasn’t able to put the both nostrils one by the side of the other…. was always losing one. It took me a long time to find a way to paint one and do not lose the other. I don’t understand why or how… it just happened. The rest of the head and neck was easy and fast.
The both heads below I painted now… it just doesn’t fit. I mean: the head on the top and the heads below in profile are two different paintings. The idea this morning was to make  these heads match perfectly with the top one creating one single object, strong and solid. I got this idea that wanted something solid last night, I was observing the top head and it was so strong, solid, like a rock. So all the rest of the painting was supposed to be like that. But this morning the colors in the sky and the light coming into my studio were completely different and I naturally saw different colors. I paint what I see, I am a very conventional painter and proud of it.
When I said to myself that would stop to paint and finish the work I stepped back and got very disappointed. I didn’t know what to do or how to solve all the things I didn’t like. The work almost went to the trash can. It took me a while looking to it till start to get used and maybe even like it. I don’t know, I will let it hanged on my wall for a couple of days. Maybe I change something, maybe I throw it away… or just leave it as it is.

 

Caio Fern, 2012, acrylic on canvas, LIVE FLOWS AND I WEAR MY FAVORITE FLANNEL SHIRT

 

Do you know that flannel shirt you have, everybody does , and you believe that life would be much worse without it ?
Sure I have my favorite flannel shirt. It has my favorite colors, blue, green and white. When I wear that I feel complete. It is so me. Do you know what I mean? I it perfect. It makes me feel like I was always supposed to be. I get more confident, strong, macho, handsome. hahahah. I even get more honest when I am wearing it. And free…. don’t forget about feeling free.
So I had to paint that, I decided to paint it on Friday and did…. but I took me till Sunday to go back to studio and keep the work. I painted for two hours on Sunday night and more two on Monday morning. This is a cute little painting, I think it is going to be hanged on the charming wooden wall of my tiny tea room.
During the process I had many doubts about what direction to go…. I decided to do not decide…. only let the painting solve it by itself. You know, pictorial values are able to offer all the solutions, you only need to let the colors and plots to speak. Yes, Lady, I am going to obey you and do what you are telling me to do. Lady ? Yes, don’t forget the painting to me is Pintura.. it is female genre in my language.
So making love with art isn’t just an expression to me… it makes sense, it is a complicated love affair, intricate relationship of years and years. Maybe now you can understand why I argue and fight with painting sometimes but never give up and never stop to love it… we Latinos have too passionate relationships.

During the time I was working on it… and the time I wasn’t too…. I realized that for the last months I have prayed to God for taking from my life all my enemies and the people that could cause me any kind of harm. I am impressed of how many friends I lost recently. They just went way for no specific reason. wow. We think the ones around us want our good…. sometimes it is a mistake.
I have thought too about how life sometimes force us to repeat the same acts of the past. Well life, you are wrong, if the acts of past were good I wouldn’t be here now. And even if they were good at the time. What is the reason to stay alive if you are going to repeat everything ? I believe the only reason to keep living is the chance to do things in different ways and never stop to experiment. Maybe this is what this painting is expressing, I was too influenced by these thoughts between brush strokes. But I didn’t mean to illustrate what I was thinking, I only painted and let it flows…… as I said… I let all the decisions for the painting to solve by itself. It was spontaneous and free.

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Caio Fern, 2012, acrylic on canvas, LIVE FLOWS AND I WEAR MY FAVORITE FLANNEL SHIRT

Are you tough enough to be a painter, fancy boy? Winter lives in me. Caio Fern, 2012, acrylic on canvas

The city is a heavy concrete block made for a sub-race human type developed in one whole century by massonary-illuminatti-C.I.A-new world order-UN… call as you wish, to survive while moves the economy of the country that produces goods for first world countries at the other side of the world. Is it a very well succeeded concentration camp at the most lost corner of the planet with 20 millions of citizens-prisoners working, producing more than any person can get, for low payment and don’t have proper conditions of work, never complaining because this is the only thing local schools teach. You bet your soul, darling. Sao Paulo…. and thousands of people from everywhere arrive here every single day looking for opportunities, what kind of world is this where there are people thinking Sao Paulo is a good alternative to survive? They are volunteers joining in a concentration camp. Welllll… I didn’t even intend to say anything like this. Let me start again: The city is a heavy concrete block, grey grey grey, the only reality incessantly presenting itself want you this or not. I love winter… God !!!! I love winter. Arrested in this city the cold winds with drizzle and rain come as a bless… I am not kidding, I feel like to cry just because I am feeling alive… it is so rare, happens few times a year when the temperature comes down and I can breath. So I walk to my work by the sidewalks not being bothered by people because I am the only one waking under the rain. The stink reality of urban pollution and concrete dust is eliminated with no mercy by the drops from heaven that cleans the street…. the extremely narrow plats/flower beds and rare trees on the sidewalks lift its earth fragrances and as I am with the umbrella opened very near my head only able to look to the floor and avoid the city around,  I can pretend that live in a pretty place with people that weren’t culturally and genetically developed by multi-national corporations. I open myself to life, yes I do, with no shame, but in silence, I let the colors of the winter come into my chest. I become a scissor cutting personal boundaries of memories, hates, shame and pain. Freedom is a internal experience usually raised by hope, imagination and denying. Here the nature is funny, it doesn’t follow rules… I mean, it is winter but different specimens of plants are in different seasons… So there are a couple of tress in bloom, purple, pink and red flowers smiling among drizzle before to follow on the sidewalk and make my day while I am walking with my dark green beautiful friend umbrella. All the colors I used  and worked on this painting are in my everyday life walking on the street. I only noticed this when was finishing it. I got so touched to see my work expressing so well my life, my feelings…. I mean… so many hard years working on paintings and all of sudden I am able to see myself that way.. this is the most hyper-realistic self-portrait a man can do in this world. I feel as my life has a meaning. So many years not sure of what I was doing, with torment, anxiety and even worse things and a painting in a rainy day gives the direction showing I wasn’t so wrong painting for 13 years. What can I say ? Thank God, for all the time you allowed me to dedicate for painting, thank you for talent, thank you for being able to get art supplies when I didn’t have money for food,  thank you for the inspiration, thank you for do not make me a mediocre bastard that follows trends and kiss art world people’s ass. Thank you for have called me. I woke up this Thursday morning not so early. Didn’t have much to do except personal hygiene routine and feed the pets. After I nice piece of vegetables pie, a wonderful cup of cinnamon-apple tea and a cup of green tea I decided to go to studio, I had prepared the canvasses the night before as intended to work on the next day… But I looked to the time and realized I had to leave to the job in four hours. hmmm…. maybe I start to paint… probably not. Maybe yes…. ok, I will spend four hours painting. My experience with my own work tells that in four hours I can start and finish a painting. So I had time…. Four hours later I had only finished the eye up right. hahahah. But what an eye !!!!! Rembrandt would be so jealous of me, hahah, good for him he is dead. I arrived from job in early evening, 7:00, and went straight to the studio, sure, was very exited. Hours after hours, painting here, cutting there… I allowed the painting to lead all my gestures and intentions. I didn’t think about right or wrong… only thought about… well… I don’t remember. The painting was finished at 3:00 pm sharp. I didn’t have any break… except the times I went to the bathroom or the times the dogs came to the closed door and started to cry and beg to open it. I opened they came inside sniffing everything, annoying me for making me waist time and then went away to pee somewhere in the house or to bite and spoil some object leaving me alone. ufffa. As a matter of fact I remember what I thought for one second while I was painting. It is about talent for painting. The truth is that the most talented people I met , the virtuosi ones were all very mediocre and shallow. They know very well what they do, how to have things done, how to reach that effect or that texture. And at the end you look to their works and ask yourself : so what? The real talent for painting isn’t about technique but about persistence. Painter is by nature absolute not a quilter. Because this is painting… it is doing it over and over again… trying, trying never stopping till reach a level of expression that is able to be faithful to your needs. Sometimes it can take four hours to finish an eye that looks like it was made in ten minutes…. sometimes it takes decades to produce one really good work… who cares? Quitter and cowards in general don’t paint… they usually write some conceptual excuse for their aesthetical failure convincing other cowards like then that don’t have courage to face themselves and produce something for real. Painting, doesn’t matter the subject or style, it is always about having to face yourself the most direct way and dealing with it with no formulas, only the way you are able to do it at the moment.

Because painting has nothing to do about adding paint on a surface as people are taught. Painting is about the plot, and it requires a level of internal commitment that most part of the so called artists today and people in general are deadly scared to do.

The nature of the “making” painting is exactly this…. all the process is about you having to force to find solutions for elements you aren’t sure about what it really is and what is going to happen if you “solve” this puzzle. You are unsure from the very beginning to the end and even so you try harder and harder to go beyond. Then people don’t understand why painters are able to paint for many years with any recognition and never give up… while artists of other medias usually give up after few years having no proper feedback. Sure, all the other medias offer faster solutions to the artists… let’s say they get spoilt. But painting is tough and makes you tougher. What in life can scare a painter ? What can the art world do with a painter that will make him/her give up ? Nothing. Real painters are so used to try hard and never give up that there is absolute any evil this world can offer strong enough to make us stop. One single painter, with all its wide opened fragility and solitude is stronger than the entire world together. Don’t you see it? The world with all its cruelty and long time can’t stop a painter, we always carry on with our burdens and think it is glorious. So here I am in this concentration camp…. since I was a kid I had the entire world with its power and corporations conspiring against my life, my mind, my freedom and my soul. But every single day I survive and prove that God made me stronger than all then together. I am untouchable. I live the way I want, I produce the art I want, the way I want, when I want, how I want, if I want, where I want, ….and I tell all then to go back to the hell they came from… and they obey me…because they live in this world they built and it is a hell… but I live in Glory, safe, healthy, producing and happy. I live in this concentration camp but I have the world under my feet. I am a painter, and you get out of my way. by the way… my work is not for sale. ——————————————- ohhh, no no, wait !!!!!! I was almost forgetting: Lately I have worked this dark green and my favorite painter, a very beautiful girl told me she is very into dark green. yey!!!!!! I would ad this dark green on the painting anyway… but let’s just say… I did it to impress you, baby. hahahah. Are you impressed ? oh yeah… here comes the purist asshole saying: “”did you do this to impress a girl? you are not a serious painter”". Do you know what happens with people of the art world that take themselves seriously? They die as mediocre as they born. … and burn in hell. have a nice weekend and happy Friday !!!!!! I love you all, hahahah !!!!!

Caio Fern, 2012, PINE TREE – acrylic on canvas

 

 

 

 

 

 

You have no idea how much I love  the cold days here. So I have been eating pinhão ( a nut from a local pine tree named Araucaria,native from the south of South East and Souht on Brazil )  and enjoying my colorful thick socks watching movies and sitcoms ( Bewitched, my favorite ever ).
These are my winter nights, fog in the streets, sometimes drizzle and cozy activities with tasty food indoors. I was born to this.
And what could  make it all even more perfect ? No, not a hot woman… it would be nice at first couple of fucks, then she would start to complain about the house, complain about the food, complain about the movies, complain about Samantha Stevens !!!!! noooo!!!!! Complain about me… and more about me and more and more….next you know her body would be hidden in the garage.
Oh no, wait !!!!! I am a church boy now… nothing of this can happen anymore.
So to make this season even more perfect only leaving the city and going to the mountains among pine trees and going to the woods with a good couple of German Shepherds. Damn… I live in a concrete city with Lhasa Apsos… something is very wrong here.
As the painting universe is the only place where I can make my dreams come through I decided to on my next work include the perfect German Shepherd I always have in mind.
this work I tried so much to work some feelings and situations I lived recently… not that I think was well succeeded on this…. no , it went to a different direction… not so different, but I intended to go deeper into some issues….
How can I do it with visual art and do not get illustrative or do not get abstract?
This is my personality, I am direct and always go towards the target, I never look to the sides. When I go to supermarket to by a cabbage, I get into the place, go till where the cabbages are displayed and leave. I don’t even look to the sides, if has a huge promotion of something I love and I have money for that… I don’t even realize, I am very methodic about everything in my life…. wow, you should see me in my house.
So that is the painting that naturally comes form me, it is direct and objective even when I totally lose myself.
How can I get a way to express what I need so much using images but not getting obvious as an illustrator or poetic too subjective as an abstract painter ?

During this painting I started to say to myself things like :
- Painting isn’t tolerant, it won’t accept pictorial excuses, you will have to make it happens, stop to be a lazy ass and work hard on it.
- Pictorial values must to be able to solve all the issues of the painting, don’t you dare to start to cut here and there running away from responsibility. Don’t start to get anxious and find obvious solutions as taking a larger brush and covering all.

Welllllll….. I didn’t listen to myself :  Fuck you Me, who are you you are to tell my painting how to exist.

At the end I got satisfied with the result….. you know, painting a German Shepherd always makes me happy. How many of these dogs I have painted on the last 10 years ? Many.
I love to use green too…. and I love to work on this face… it was so frustrating for so many reasons… since the beginning this face frustrated me, but I loved to lose my patience and even so keep on it.
Face- dog-green…. this is my head at this moment.

Caio Fern, 2012, acrylic on canvas. Pictorial Anxiety

..so I prepared the canvasses for this work. One week ago.

And for one week or more I went to the studio every single day spending hours and hours drinking my green tea and thinking about how much painting has annoyed me. And trying to figure out any other media I could start to work with and do not get completely bored or unsatisfied. The truth is that painting is the less annoying and less shallow media for my specific needs. It gives me chills all the time I remember when I worked with other medias. And I can’t just stop to work with painting or art at all. I tried this years ago, life became empty of any kind of meaning.

There are moments of my life I paint because I am really exited with it and full of inspiration. There are times, as now, when I avoid to paint as much as possible, even so go to the studio every day and spend hours there. Sometimes seated and looking, sometimes walking from one side to other and not taking my eyes from the blank canvasses as it was the starting of a fight. Whatever. Sometimes it means nothing to me and I must to say, at night I gladly lie my head on the pillow and almost don’t care for haven’t painted that day.
But day after day, the space around me starts to shrink and the air starts to grow wrinkles. Life becomes unbearable and all the meanings of all aspects of existence vanish leaving me in pure void of despair.
I should stop to paint and look for a professional help. Wait, I am the professional help, I dedicated part of my life to study this science. What a waist of time and money.

…so…. again…. it took me one week to start this work, I was so anxious that for days tried to start but gave up. On Friday I started to talk with myself as I was a little children that didn’t want to eat the spinach mommy had prepared :” just a little bit, Caio, you don’t have to do it all , just start, when you get too upset you can stop, no problems, you can keep it on the next day”.

Right. I started to paint and finished the central head. Done. I promised myself that wouldn’t touch it till next day. My word still worths something, I didn’t touch it, only spent the entire Friday ( day off from job ) staring at the work on the wall and thinking it was a total crap.

On Saturday morning I woke up and started to work on this. Oh, and how can I explain? I forgot to go to my job, yes , I am controlling the anxiety of painting just fine. “I am on control, baby, don’t worry, I know very well what I am doing”.
I started to paint and in 40 or 50 minutes of work all was going wrong, it was when I tottaly lost control , I was hating it and after hours of clumsy accidents when I almost broke my wrist, almost broke many objects I have for years and the only way to explain the fact all is unspoiled now is ” GOD’S MIRACLES “,   I finished this work, what got very different of the initial idea I cooked for one entire week.

I don’t give titles to my works but if I had to name it would be :”The real me carrying the image I have of myself”. But would be too shallow and limited, have much more things in this work I can’t say.

Even so I only thought about this title when I finished it and started to relax and look to the work . I didn’t think about this when was working, I didn’t think about anything. Only aesthetical.

ufff… I am free. Or at least part of my Saturday night and Sunday morning was free as later I already started to feel like to work some aspects of my life that I have put by the side for a while. Some things I need to reach and I know… damn…. I know only hateful painting can give me.
People see this as a nice thing:” oh, you are a painter, a truly one”. Nice. I see it as a drug addiction I can’t get rid of. And as junkies and alcoholics that have done this for many years, painting is what defines me, what am I without this ? What ever I am with no painting is so ugly and harsh to face that I always come back to this ungrateful labor.
Painting destroyed my life turning itself in the only thing I have. Now I am too dumb or coward to look around and find something else to rebuilt my life in a total different way. And for some reason I still feel like to thank God for have given me this and have made me this way.
Yes , I woke up Monday morning and started to write this post… nice way to start the week, hein ? Now shower, tea and going to my nice ( really nice ) job not even caring about asking for apologies for have not appeared on Saturday… I will only do my thing with a large smile and leave.
Have you too a nice new week.

by the way : I love this work.