3 brand new old works, 2004 , found here in MEIN WELT.

 

I had lately discovered older works, one has been already posted earlier last week and now these 3 here.  I never forgot then, as a matter of fact I knew very well where they were, in the deepest part of a closet I have here… and for some reason that painting of the man training the dog has never left my mind… but it has been many years since I didn’t see them.  They are from 2004.  The one of the girl with the German shepherd I know very well the reason I had it hidden, I am ashamed of they way I painted her face, I don’t know how I lost so much control and made her so ugly.  I will try to fix her face one day…. one day.  ……… and for the last, the fish, an Angel Fish or as we call it here, Acara Bandeira, I used to breed this specimen and I still love these fishes, now I am focusing more on smaller specimens but with the same origins, the Amazon Black River.  These works were made in a time when I was having very similar feelings I am having now about my work, painting and art in general.  I need a rest from myself and my work, it can take one day or one year or one decade, who knows? Who cares ? I want something else my work has offered.  But every day I wake up feeling like to paint but don’t know how or what. These paintings were made exactly when I created the Mein Welt concept for my life style.  So all this feeling about getting tired of myself is never a symptom of depression or any kind of lack of excitement. It is part of the creative process. It has highs and lows.  I thought it would be nice to share these 3 works with you. Hope you enjoy it.

a new one was found. Caio Fern, 1999, acrylic on paper.

I found this work from 1999.This was the year I started to paint.  I remember that only made this to see if it was possible to paint without using white paint.
The white parts you see are from the paper, not paint. I used a photo- self portrait as model.

Caio Fern, 1999, acrylic on paper.

Stag, new version, by Caio Fern 2012, acrylic on canvas.

After a couple of days of this work on my wall I had to cut that green part you saw when I posted the other day. I couldn’t breath with that. After to cut the room lighted up and I was able to breath again , that was a huge weight I had to get rid of.  It wasn’t only for aesthetical reasons, it was much more because of the things that passed by my mind when I was painting. Now I feel free and released, as the hunted Stag was able to escape and win the people who tried to kill him and that situation.

I am sorry you you prefer the way it was before.

It is effect, not a cause.

When asked this Sunday if I was producing or preparing something new, my answer could only be “no, I’ve done nothing, I haven’t gotten into the studio for two months”.
As  a matter of fact I come to the studio everyday… the weather is getting hotter and it is fresh here inside where I drink my large mass full of ice cubes and red tea, green tea, white tea, organic grape juice, red green rose, and organic apple juice. When I am not here I am in the kitchen inventing new recipes of my typical Welter culinary. One day I will name all the new dishes I have created and post the recipes here on my blogs, maybe even produce a very affected and pretty culinary book with nice colorful and shine photos. I would love it. Hope you like sauerkraut, apples, mustards and spinach ….almost all I cook has these ingredients . hahaha.
I am in the best phase, it happens from times to times. I go to the studio and don’t even remember that exists art on this planet. I just don’t care, I make plans about totally different things. I dream with new projects and new destinies for my life. I think it is the way I renew myself.
Well.. I am changing everything, not just culinary but clothes, I changed all my closet for new pieces, I am pretty fancy now, I must to say, hahaha, I changed my documents , yes , I renewed all the documents that matter, including the most important one, the passport.
I changed clients, I changed my posture towards people. And other uncountable things.
My experience of over one decade painting and producing other art stuff tells me my work soon or latter will follow it, I just don’t know how. The fact is, like you or not, my work follows my life and not the other way around.
I remember exactly 10 years ago, 2002, I was very upset with my work, it got complex, sophisticated in many ways, and really looked something you could put in an art gallery.  It was… oh… even today I am disgusted to say this….. it was becoming professional.
So after December I stopped to paint and spent one year or so not doing anything. This was when this Mein Welt stuff was born, it had been cooked in my mind for my entire life but it had never taken form or not even become totally conscious of itself or nature.
But when I started back to paint the only things I wanted to do were pieces that looked very amateur and homemade handcraft with motives little girls, flowers, dogs. Anything you would never see in an art gallery or an art critic talking about. Anything that looked conventional, but so conventional that would be disturbing for everyone. You can read more about that period here :  http://www.blurb.com/books/1419178

Today I haven’t very different intentions but it is directed towards different targets. My life has changed these past 10 years and it demands searches that weren’t expected by me  in a not so long time ago.
The true is that some ideas and ways have pumped in my head but I don’t know how to start. Painting is demanding things I didn’t realize yet. I don’t know if when I start to paint again it will be different of what I was doing few weeks ago before this pause because the intentions  of  my chest have not appeared to my eyes yet. So I believe the changes that are demanded  to happen will come up only after hard work and slow developing, and not like ” oh, I have an idea about this concept and will make this happen”.
No real Ideas and any concept here, thank God for this. At least all my gestures, happening or not, are sincere and emotional, not cerebral, conceptual and liars.
But there is another reason for the fact I haven’t produced. As I said before, I am really not caring about art at all. And it is so good. From times to times, a life with no art ( or, our formal idea of it ) sounds and tastes like freedom to me. It is like all that weight is gone and I can just live because I don’t need it. Anything any person can tell me about art sounds so far away and irrelevant.
It is really good when life becomes bigger and more important than art, it is like having all the values on the right place.
So why would I hurry up to have all that anxiety and all my attention towards that again?

Sure, if I am concerned about turn on my lap top and spend these valuable minutes about this… is because something inside me is telling to start to pay attention on it and maybe… maybe even to start to produce.
Part of me says : “Oh no… no no no, please. I don’t want this. I am still day dreaming about a lovely life somewhere far from here and the dreams are still so fresh. I am still looking for  sites of German Shepherds, bucolic architecture and flirting with beautiful women of my everyday life. I am still hungry for new recipes of food and new tastes… I didn’t even develop  the desserts yet. I am saving money for traveling and be a silly tourist at the other side of the world….. no… please. Don’t make me go back to that life of paint, canvasses and anxiety. I really, really want to live a little bit more”.
Other part says : ” I want that feeling of finishing a good work”. I want that feeling that says  my place on the Earth has an specific meaning”.
So maybe… maybe, see you soon with paintings.

I am really not caring about art at this moment.
Well…. I can’t avoid this subject.
The fact is that , again, in my life , I am passing by a moment of very intense spiritual searches and achievement,.. most part of my activities are turned to it. While the world is talking about the new iphone, elections or some crap like that I am walking towards new levels of existence and this is what is really transforming my life. This is what is generating all the changes.
The truth is that since children we are taught that art has the power to transform. Well… I believe it is a very materialistic way to see life and the Human Being. To me art is effect, not a cause . It can faithfully express and influences people but doesn’t generate anything by itself. When civilization starts to believe art is the reason of things to be and art is the source of what you are and what your life has been, as it happens today, we have, well… this pathetic   world  of shallow aesthetical with poor meaning where cynic aesthetical is an excuse for itself made by sad pathetic people and collected in many different ways by a desperate, high vanity and low self esteem public.
I don’t want to be part of any of this process and believe system.
I have my issues with art and it has given me for many times what I needed at the moment. It has helped me to build myself and my way to be in this world. I am aware of it and even grateful for have had this in my life with so much intensity. As viewer and as producer.
But when you are digging inside yourself and into other dimensions of existence,  when  you  are wondering about things with no name that are at the core of all experience and states of mind…. and then you look to art of all times…. as it happens to me, I say : “Is this it? So is this  all art can reach? And what about the rest? The infinite eternal rest?” .
What only proves to me art is fantastic, is fierce and beautiful, but is an manifestation of this world, this matter, this limited and temporal reality. There is nothing wrong with it, it is fantastic, but is pretty disappointing when you have paid attention to characteristics of existence that have been so far and at the same time so intimate, much more than art can be.
I believe it helps to make a bit clear why I am not painting, not minding to art. But I am feeling that will start to paint soon.

don’t forget, if you want to see my paintings visit http://www.silentspots.blogspot.com.br/
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I just found that photo on internet, it wasn’t taken by me. I only added because I wanted an image for this post,,,, but I haven’t produced any latelly.
But is it here now http://pinterest.com/caiofern/ on my Pinterest.

Me doesn’t we. Acrylic on canvas by Caio Fern, 2012.

ME DOESN’T WE. Jesus Christ is the only Truth. ME DOESN’T THEY.the name of that place is place and is only another place. She said I am brand new and this is only my third reincarnation on this planet. I don’t know who you are and I am very inclined to do not care. somebody doesn’t love me and nobody never will. Somebody loves me and everybody always will. This is not your business. I am the one supposed to deal with it. ————————————————————————- Today was one of those days … nothing worked , I spent 6 hours working on this painting and it was a problem after the other. From the start I didn’t want to paint but I had promised that today I would at least start  one new work. All went wrong, I was for so reason so anxious and it made all become a problem. I didn’t see what I was doing, so immersed in my own thoughts that I didn’t pay attention on what I was looking at and not even the painting itself. I only noticed that nothing was going right, all the plots and spots were not working and the painting was getting more and more horrible, shallow and cheap. I didn’t like one single brush stroke. I still don’t. Then I started to cut, and all I had imagined went wrong again. Incredible, when everything is going right the world around seems like heaven, when everything is wrong, the studio gets too small, I get all clumpy and make everything fall to the floor, the elbow touches the wet paint…… I took a picture to post and the computer simply didn’t open the new photo. I spent more than one hour trying to upload the photo from the camera to the laptop. I had to invent another way to do it and I don’t understand anything about computers. Not saying I am now very late for going to my job. I never give up. hahah. Yes, the photo sucks but this is the smaller problem. I am not sure if I am going to work on this again. I will see it today when arrive form job or tomorrow when I will have more time. In the end I always win, I finished a painting and posted even with everything against. What would be an horrible day of failure became my personal victory over it. It is like every day I say to the fleshy life of this dimension of existence : bitch please, I am bigger than you.

Washed and Cleaned – Caio Fern, acrylic on canvas 2012.

Let me start the way I usually start all my posts :
I woke up early today…. and oh, I hate this photo.

Washed and cleaned. This is how I fell and am.
Again a fast painting. I am painting faster and it is as raw as always was.

hummm, what else ? ah , I have listened a lot the Dinosaur Jr albums: Bug and Green Mind. From times to times I like to get into these albums again. But I don’t think it has affected my work recently.
I have prepared really great diners, I must to say. It hasn’t affected  my work neither. Or at least I think it hasn’t. Who knows ?

well… I am passing by important internal modifications and working to improve myself. This is the only thing that has really had an influence on my work.
Washed and Cleaned is about this.
The term Washed and Cleaned is for the initiated ones. I hope you know what I am talking about, even because I believe that have been clear.

this is it, see you.

All the women of my life. Caio Fern, 2012, acrylic on canvas.

Hallo beloved Welters.
Now you can breath calmly, I am back, yes yes, Der Welter Konig is back to bring love and security, the world is making sense again.
After one month not painting, as I told it would happen, I woke up today and was able to start and finish this work before noon !!
As a matter of fact, since last week I used to wake up every morning, get into the studio, face the canvasses already prepared earlier, face the pots of paint, brushes….. my face on the mirror ( the model )…. and didn’t have courage to start. I just stared the supplies for many minutes, standing in front of it, sometimes two or three hours. Nothing. I had so much to give but didn’t feel able to let it out. Not because I liked what I had , well… I didn’t like or disliked, but because I knew it would be painful.
Today I got courage and started very early in the morning.
I am happy to have stopped to paint one month ago. One thing that was bothering me a lot was how I was building my work. You may say it was free with unexpected solutions… it was, but not enough… I was feeling imprisoned by the method it was demanding from me. The work started to become too “built” and well done.
I needed to go back to my real essence in painting…. I needed to loose all the proportions again, I needed to make the pictorial values, the little spots and simple plots take the main place again, to make the expression by painting become stronger than any idea that could come from it.
This is it, this work is pretty much what I intended. It was simple , fast , passionate, easy, and the painting express what must to be expressed, as simple as that. As simple my work must to be.
What I painted today is the almost blank head above. I chose that angle of my head for no specific reason…………. I wanted feeling of movement and wanted to paint a different angle. Two eyes, two ears, I am a common man and paint common heads. Only painted in different angles because is very annoying to stand in front of the mirror with your head all twisted. It is better to change from times to times…who spends many minutes or hours in the same position anyway? It isn’t natural.
The head below was painted in 2008 and few months ago I cut it in many pieces. you can see how it was here :   http://meinwelt-22.blogspot.com.br/2009/05/2008-by-caio-fernandes_777.html
It is the portrait of a girl I will always love.
When I finished the painting today this piece just fell from the closet where I don’t know why was still been kept as it was supposed to be in the garbage. But I felt like to include on the new painting. It was perfect because I spent the entire time painting and thinking about women I had in my life. It happens that last week a woman asked me about my past relationships, she is interested for reasons I pretend that don’t understand, I didn’t say nothing, but this morning here in my studio I started to think about a couple of the women that passed by my life. I realized that I am still in love with all then, I do love all the women I met, I am still fascinated by then and their very personal nature. Even the ones that were very annoying and drove me crazy, or as most part of then that tried to kill me after knowing me better… I have no hard feelings, I do love then and I discovered that one very secret part of me wants to have at least one children with each one of then.
I use to say to myself that I love pussy but hate women. well… women drive me crazy but I need their soft bodies. But the truth is that I am fascinated with women, I love their gestures and voices, I love the way their minds work, I love to be among then…. I realize that for more than 10 years I haven’t had any male friend, the few friend I have are women, all ages, elder, teenager, young adults.
They made me get traumatized for most part of my life. For many different reasons and ways.
First, when I was a child and teenager all female, from children to adult, used to say I was ugly. I grew up with this complex believing I was very repulsive. Even my mother told me that didn’t know how a such ugly thing came out from her. The way they used to treat me was, and still is, revolting all the time I remember. I discovered that many girls and even the mothers of my friends had some crush on me but would never confess in public. Why ? I was really discriminated for the way I looked and it forced me to take decisions that ruined my life as I had too low self-worth.
Then I went to study Psychology in college, I was one of the very few males studding it, the others were mostly gays, for any man it can look like a great opportunity to get attention of women being surrounded by then all the time… but it was a hell, I started to believe that in a world ruled by women would only exist intrigue, jealousy, hate, and nobody would do anything constructive, only destroy what others had done. Yes, these were the psychology students.
Then when I got a bit older, near 30′s, women started to throw themselves on me. I became hot and irresistible, hahah. I am the kind of man that only gets better with age .  But I had all these feeling anti-women repressed on me. I couldn’t trust any woman and couldn’t believe they really liked me now.
Isn’t any surprise the fact all the time I got a woman instantly made her fall in love with me, when she was really happy and confident about our relationship I broke up with her, not in a simple way, I used to make her life a real emotional hell. The pharmaceutical industry should give me a award for all the women  I made start to take medicine.unders serious prescription. It is like I was trying to make her feel all I felt my entire life being rejected and treated like less than shit.
I didn’t realize that was doing this. I didn’t realize it was revenge for all the years of pain and humiliation. It was pretty much like: Now they desire me and fight for me, now they are going to die. All women, all ages. The hot gentleman with a nice smile here is going to seduce you and triturate your soul.
Today, painting this, it all came up to my mind, they aren’t exactly brand new thoughts, I had realized it all a couple of years ago…. but I feel that today I got in peace with all the ones of the opposite genre, with my life, with myself and last week I got in total piece with God what I believe that opened this door for forgiveness and love. I feel free and released.
A such simple work, so small and fast to be made.
And the girl there staring the viewer, how can someone do not love her ?
So, Caio, does it mean that now you are a handsome man with money and ready to love for real ? NO NO NO NO NO !!! wait A MINUTE. Calm down pussies. I am still a Latino, it means I forgive you all bitches but leave my way.
NEXT !!

 

Personal contradictions about this… Caio Fern, 2012, acrylic on canvas.

how  can feelings be so contradictory about a work ?

for many times during I was painting it I got exited about and worked hard to make things happen…. other times I was exploding in total lack of patience and completely stopped to believe on it.

I am staring at this on the wall and still have the most divided feelings about.
Sincerely, this work is so well behaved and so predictable under my expectations that I feel like to go out to the street and punch someone with it to see if the blood spots will make the painting better or at least ruin it completely.

oh, yes, I like it… but… no, it isn’t what I need/want to paint now.
I mean… it doesn’t go beyond what I’ve done, it is a good work but didn’t add anything new in my life, any new territory fed me with any new kind of nutrient.
What I have inside me now isn’t there… what I need isn’t there too.
I do hope other people like it, I can understand as people have different needs from each other…. maybe this work can help me in the future… then I will be able to appreciate it without having to give or suck all my energy from the plots, spots, colors, textures and cuts.

Caio Fern, self portrait, acrylic on canvas – 2012.

yeah, again, very up set with the photo…. you know all the story. the painting has much more colors and it isn’t fair…. blah blah blah…… you know. But it isn’t fair at all to do not be able to show the painting the way it is.

aaahhhhhhh…….. this is only a self portrait.
I was a bit tired of composing and creativity so decided to take a small piece of canvasses and do a direct simple self-portrait. only for the pleasure to paint.
I had this “idea” last night… can you believe I went to sleep and spent all the time dreaming about painting this ? every single brush stroke. hahahah. what an exiting dream. hahaha. So I woke up, had a nice breakfast and started to paint…. soon I am going to work so I got to post it as fast as possible.
the face grew and I lost control, as always, but I like it , it is the opposite of everything I’ve done lately… sure I love what I’ve painted… all the work of this years and last year too… I do. I am happy with my production a lot and intend to get deeper into it…. but it is good to take a day only for express myself in a different way… not less sincere or true.
All the colors of paint I used were the same I do expect white… I took my best white paint and mixed with white pigment in dust…. but I didn’t blend very well that is the reason you see the “pox” on the skin… I loved this texture. I don’t know how you see it by photo but here in front of me it is giving the sensation of pure skin.

see you.

It is a battle, struggle, struggle and good songs. Caio Fern, 2012, acrylicS on canvas

 

Do I need to say I am upset with the photo taken ? This painting works so well on my wall.
It was painted yesterday and finished late of night. So I decided to wait for the day light to see it better and take a picture for blogging.
The first part of the painting, the head on the left, took me 2 hours to get done. Incredible, for one hour and 40 minutes it didn’t work at all, then, all of sudden, it all started to fit. Painting is just like that. Before all was yellow, then all was grey, then all was in a color that absolute doesn’t exist on the raimbow.hahah. Absolute any brush stoke was able to work or matched… ahhhhh… that hell. An in one second after lots of trying, it all starts to fit, as by miracle.
All the rest of the painting gave me even more trouble. 6 hours doing all the rest. Can you believe it ?
I used three different brands of acrylic painting on that. First the two faces were made with the best and more expensive, the two necks below with a blend of the first with a white cheaper one I have here, but good too. The Third is that head in the middle of the neck, it was made with a different kind of acrylic paint.

I love the expression on this work, it is sad, it is as swallowing the cry, silent, internal struggles. This is the painting I should be doing.

Sometimes people say that wish could paint like me. Don’t say that !!! Wish to be good. hahahah. But I am serious.
I do know God gave me a talent much above the avarage people for self expression, but I don’t consider myself a natural painter, I call me painter because this is what I do. I can be excellent in any area of art, music , literature, acting, move directing. This is what I am and my personal nature. On the other hand, I am a bad driver, I suck about math,…..  and I don’t use to treat women very well because they always hate in the end and try to kill me, nature finds ways to compensate the individuals. hahaha.
But about painting the truth is that I am blessed and I am a trooper, very diligent. And this is what painting demands in the end. This is the painting’s nature.
See, in my life I met a couple of painters and even became personal friends in the past, they were very very skilled, they were natural talent for painting, real virtuosos. They still are because they must to be alive somewhere. They were able to know and execute all the masterful solutions you can imagine for a great work, and it all made in a way that seemed so easy. It was easy to then. Wonderful. But … well…. their works weren’t very good, or interesting, or had no feelings about, didn’t express anything else but painting.
Painting demands this torture of painting over and over again, try again, don’t give up, when you feel like to quit try even more….. you know, battle, struggle, punches, curses, deaths…. things must to painfully die if you want to see a real painting to come up and born. I don’t know why, this is just like that.
When I turn to History and face the great masters I remember, sure , of my favorite, Rembrandt. He was Highly virtuoso since very very young and had knowledge enough. His works were always masterful. But his best painting , in my opinion, happened when the works showed a struggle that went beyond his knowledge and skills. I could really see the battle of the individuals with itself and the paint by the brush strokes. Eloquence comes with hard work and not a derivative ” nice” or “crazy” lazy idea-concept. This is what the painting demands… So or you obey and work hard to make it happens… or you can follow the current trends over there and be glad for the stupid people it will attract driving cars, doing math and the annoying women………. going to nowhere. hahaha.

More and more my reference are on music and not on visual art. All my works have made me feel the kind of songs from Seattle  recorded by the labels K Records and Sub Pop during the late 80′s and very beginning of 90′s.
And I sit on my couch looking to the paintings after they are finished, starving, and looking to the work, I think it beautiful because makes me remember of songs. I paint what I see, the way I listen.

Oh yes, when I finished painting it came to my mind : Contemporary art dogmas – Why we learn that is so forbidden to express feelings ? Why it must to be all about conceptual and aesthetical lame excuses ?
Fuck off.  I prove the entire world is wrong. As always.