Paint what must to be painted and shut up.

so since last Thursday I have tried to paint, and nothing… I went to studio for three days and only stared the blank canvasses…. On Monday I decided to grow courage and start…. all the time I touched the canvasses immediately came down a feeling that all was wrong and I shouldn’t do it. I started to hate to paint, again, and stopped to do it for one hour or two. Then I felt remorse and started again, stopped again after 20, or 30 minutes…. So much rage and furious moments. I can’t explain. It was like the panting begin for do not be made. on and on for hours…… Sunday very late of night I decided to cut the canvasses in many different forms , what was a huge painting became this small cross….. Nothing about cross or religion, I am fundamentalist Christian, I really don’t like to produce images and symbols about Christianity…. it is for religious people. I have nothing against then but isn’t my thing. Even so when I look to this cross…. it moves me, is stronger than me. I don’t know how you see by photo but here in front of me it is physically dominating, even being so small… it has 40 centimeters or so. I only cut the canvasses trying to eliminate …all I did. I am passing by a moment where I feel exhausted painting, I don’t know if I am going to keep doing it. I know I have in my studio one piece of canvasses already prepared for the next… and maybe this is it. I finish the work and take a little rest. for the last months I have produced a lot. Only in 2012 it has been 16 works… it drained me. well… let’s see… I am not in charge, I only paint the paintings that arrive and demand to be done. As you know, I do consider it God’s gift and will and I don’t want to disappoint Him. What I am going to do with this cross painting ? I think at the end it was Lord’s way to say painting is my cross and I must to carry it and don’t complain anymore. Paint what must to be painted and shut up. Ok. Just to say, painting demands too much from me and I complain a lot about this. Even so it is stronger than me and I do it anyway being extremely grateful for this. I always remember that painting was the last on my ” to do ” list when I was younger, I absolute didn’t want to become a painter. All I thought about painting was that it wasn’t necessary to be done, to exist, it was irrelevant for a man of the 21 century. I had that narrow minded contemporary-new-media-art mentality. Even so painting chose me and didn’t leave my life even when I tried so many times to get rid of it. I spent the last 13 years trying to find excuses to stop to paint, and I found many very good excuses to do it. Even so I can’t. At the end painting is the only activity on earth that gives me any kind of satisfaction. And the only one that makes me feel miserable when I fail. Even being so hard and painful. I hate to paint and love to finish a good painting. But there is absolute nothing, nothing on this world that brings me pleasure, satisfaction or any thing of this nature… only painting… and going to church… but church isn’t something produced by my hands… is something I receive. Painting doesn’t come from me, is inspired from beyond…. but it is made by my hands… so gives me a personal gratification. I don’t understand, I don’t even know what I am saying. I only know that when I say things related to my faith and reasons to paint it makes more and more people stand back as all this is absolute not convenient, fashionable or even accept by society, it is ridiculous to everybody and they laugh of me. But it is good isn’t it? … making people back off and despite me for who I am and what I believe. It makes me be left alone and free. It is written on the Bible that everyone that confess Jesus name as its Saviour will suffer prejudice and persecution…. and this is what I’ve done all this time, producing art for a world that doesn’t want to see what I do and talking about Jesus all the time for audience that is cynic and atheist. Good.

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