All the women of my life. Caio Fern, 2012, acrylic on canvas.


Hallo beloved Welters.
Now you can breath calmly, I am back, yes yes, Der Welter Konig is back to bring love and security, the world is making sense again.
After one month not painting, as I told it would happen, I woke up today and was able to start and finish this work before noon !!
As a matter of fact, since last week I used to wake up every morning, get into the studio, face the canvasses already prepared earlier, face the pots of paint, brushes….. my face on the mirror ( the model )…. and didn’t have courage to start. I just stared the supplies for many minutes, standing in front of it, sometimes two or three hours. Nothing. I had so much to give but didn’t feel able to let it out. Not because I liked what I had , well… I didn’t like or disliked, but because I knew it would be painful.
Today I got courage and started very early in the morning.
I am happy to have stopped to paint one month ago. One thing that was bothering me a lot was how I was building my work. You may say it was free with unexpected solutions… it was, but not enough… I was feeling imprisoned by the method it was demanding from me. The work started to become too “built” and well done.
I needed to go back to my real essence in painting…. I needed to loose all the proportions again, I needed to make the pictorial values, the little spots and simple plots take the main place again, to make the expression by painting become stronger than any idea that could come from it.
This is it, this work is pretty much what I intended. It was simple , fast , passionate, easy, and the painting express what must to be expressed, as simple as that. As simple as my work must to be.
What I painted today is the almost blank head above. I chose that angle of my head for no specific reason…………. I wanted feeling of movement and wanted to paint a different angle. Two eyes, two ears, I am a common man and paint common heads. Only painted in different angles because is very annoying to stand in front of the mirror with your head all twisted. It is better to change from times to times…who spends many minutes or hours in the same position anyway? It isn’t natural.
The head below was painted in 2008 and few months ago I cut it in many pieces. you can see how it was here :   http://meinwelt-22.blogspot.com.br/2009/05/2008-by-caio-fernandes_777.html
It is the portrait of a girl I will always love.
When I finished the painting today this piece just fell from the closet where I don’t know why was still been kept as it was supposed to be in the garbage. But I felt like to include on the new painting. It was perfect because I spent the entire time painting and thinking about women I had in my life. It happens that last week a woman asked me about my past relationships, she is interested for reasons I pretend that don’t understand, I didn’t say nothing, but this morning here in my studio I started to think about a couple of the women that passed by my life. I realized that I am still in love with all them, I do love all the women I met, I am still fascinated by them and their very personal nature. Even the ones that were very annoying and drove me crazy, or as most part of them that tried to kill me after knowing me better… I have no hard feelings, I do love them all and I discovered that one very secret part of me wants to have at least one children with each one of then.
I use to say to myself that I love pussy but hate women. Well… women drive me crazy but I need their soft bodies. …….But the truth is that I am fascinated with women, I love their gestures and voices, I love the way their minds work, I love to be among them…. I realized that for more than 10 years I haven’t had any male friend, the few friends I have are women, all ages, elder, teenager, young adults.

They made me get traumatized for most part of my life. For many different reasons and ways.
First, when I was a child and teenager all female, from children to adult, used to say I was ugly. I grew up with this complex believing I was very repulsive. The way they used to treat me was, and still is, revolting all the time I remember. I discovered that many girls and even the mothers of my friends had some crush on me but would never confess in public. Why ? I was really discriminated for the way I looked and it forced me to take decisions that ruined my life as I had too low self-worth.
Then I went to study Psychology in college, I was one of the very few males studding it, the others were mostly gays, for any man it can look like a great opportunity to get attention of women being surrounded by them all the time… but it was a hell, I started to believe that in a world ruled by women would only exists intrigue, jealousy, hate, and nobody would do anything constructive, only destroy what others had done. Yes, these were the psychology students.
Then when I got a bit older, near 30’s, women started to throw themselves on me. I became hot and irresistible, hahah. I am the kind of man that only gets better with age 😉 .  But I had all these feelings anti-women repressed on me. I couldn’t trust any woman and couldn’t believe they really liked me now.
Isn’t any surprise the fact all the time I got a new woman instantly made her fall in love with me, when she was really happy and confident about our relationship I broke up with her, not in a simple way, I used to make her life a real emotional hell. The pharmaceutical industry should give me a award for all the women  I made start to take medicine unders serious prescription. It is like I was trying to make her feel all I felt my entire life being rejected and treated like less than shit.
I didn’t realize that was doing this. I didn’t realize it was revenge for all the years of pain and humiliation. It was pretty much like: Now they desire me and fight for me, now they are going to die. All women, all ages. The hot gentleman with a nice smile here is going to seduce you and triturate your soul.
Today, painting this, it all came up to my mind, they aren’t exactly brand new thoughts, I had realized it all a couple of years ago…. but I feel that today I got in peace with all the ones of the opposite genre, with my life, with myself and last week I got in total piece with God what I believe that opened this door for forgiveness and love. I feel free and released.
A such simple work, so small and fast to be made.
And the girl there staring the viewer, how can someone do not love her ?
So, Caio, does it mean that now you are a handsome man with money and ready to love for real ? NO NO NO NO NO !!! wait A MINUTE. Calm down pussies. I am still a Latino, it means I forgive you all bitches but leave my way.
NEXT !!

 

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