Fawn, Pine, Caio Fern, 2012, acrylic on canvas


41 december, 2012

Landscapes are , sadly , only a psychological phenomenon in my life.
To live in landscapes, experiment then , go to then , I must to develop it in my mind and deal with myself, wills, dreams, ideals and frustrations.
Landscapes are escapes, but not lands for me.
Ok,
I’ve already told how obsessed I am with the Deer Hunting Season that is gone ( no I don’t hunt and don’t intend to ) and the deer dead on the roads. No moral issues, political or specific feeling about it. It is only a wave of life and flesh breathing in my chest. As a matter of fact I think dead deer and human life, not only obviously  closely related but similar in its ritual in many aspects, including the ways death happens, almost identical.
How can anything so far away from every single detail of my personal reality affects me so much and makes me wonder in peace and fascination?

This painting …. ts ts ts… the central figure of it was supposed to be done something like 3 months ago…. and it wasn’t, but the canvasses and the initial idea got hanged in my studio all this time. I avoided it with no remorse. But you know, if a painting demands to be done, or you make it happen or won’t be feeling complete, always feeling something is lacking in your life.
Today as for a miracle I woke up at 5:30am and decided to finally start it.
I worked on it extremely hopeless, every brush stroke that didn’t work I had a “whatever attitude” and really didn’t care. When a painter starts to say whatever to its own work, it is serious…. or he is really exhausted of what is doing, or reached a high level of spiritual illumination and doesn’t even need to paint anymore… you know me very well… I am highly illuminated as fuck.
My surprise was when finished, I walked few steps back to see it hanged… then walked by all the space staring at it…. wow, this is a good work, I can’t believe it. It got much better than I thought it would… it got much better than I intended… it was supposed to be a fast crappy made only to get rid of this annoying painting demanding to be dome for months…. and now I really like it.

well… this morning the day is beautiful out there and it makes no difference as I dislike outdoors here in the tropics. So I will prepare something to eat under the shade of the closed windows, keeping my pale skin with no shame ( people here, everybody, make fun of the color of my skin, it seems to be quite a sin to be pale in a country where the only rule for being well dressed is RIDICULOUS orange TANNED, hahahah!!!! ) .
At least I cut my hair again, and again I did it myself in my bathroom ( I use the same scissor I do to cut the canvasses of my works )… this time I lost control and cut it too short…. but all the women stop to say that loved it… can you believe? The other men pay money for other man touch their hair… disgusting, and don’t even get the attention I have gotten from the women out there for free. I am happy with this.
yes , a good painting, a good hair cut, even a good pale skin….. I am happy with everything today.

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