a source of spiritual misery. ——– by Caio Fern.


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Oh, the electricity must to be saved this month. Let’s only use flash lights I bought for camping that didn’t happen yet, it is late of night and will make the neighbors freak out thinking there is a thief at home.
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She is skinny and beautiful but since when it is secrete the fact men like me have a strong preference for more fleshy women?
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I could be quite in my corner pretending I am one of them but I had to take risks. I know what you are talking behind my back. I know because others have said the same before. It is your lack of authenticity that makes you a stranger to me, not what you think or do. I know what it leads to… I’ve survived many times.
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As long as I understood, Jesus said the sons of the world are smart for the things of this world but the sons of God aren’t so much. It only proves to Whom all my existence belongs. I don’t know what to do with myself and I am too old to learn new tricks. I don’t know how to survive and the fact I am alive proves that miracles happen every single day all the time.
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It is all very disappointing because everything I can do with a group I do much better and faster alone. So I put the helmet on and one of my old flannel shirts. I face the cold wind and never look back listening to music composed and recorded in distant countries because they remind me of the life I don’t have, but share the feelings. After many kilometers: DAWN.
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Dawn is never glamorous or pretty as I can’t see it through buildings and other concrete constructions. It is more like an intuition that something new is up to start. And in fact something new starts… but nothing changes. How can something new starts if the old things never get finished? So…..
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You leave home with faith that in some corner someone will notice you and give you a chance to live with dignity and be loved. You do many things to force it to happen, you do all the right things and the wrong things, you go to all the kinds of places and cross the world. After so many years you only go back home and take your shoes off saying to yourself tomorrow is a new day, who knows, brush your teeth before to go to bed.
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She is skinny and beautiful. And so smart and mature for her age…. but is still too young for me. She wants to experiment things I am already tired to know. She has to pass by situations I don’t want to pass anymore and I hated when it happened. We can’t be together. She says she loves me, she doesn’t, she loves the lies I told her and will never confess.
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It is weird to see the world by this angle. Everything is so far from this remote flipped over south side. What is the difference between watching a movie with Hobbits or a documentary about the global economy? So it is nice to wear my best suit with English cut to ride a Chinese bike listening to Swiss musik being an German-Italian guy with a Portuguese last name in a South American country going to a Japanese supermarket buying Brazilian supplies and prepare Bavarian food throwing bites to my Tibetan dogs while watching North American sitcoms. What does it mean? Nothing. Obvious identity is for cowards.
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ohhh. But I am a coward. Guilty. As every man I have my list of necessities. Things I must to conquer in this life. Recently I realized all my dreams aren’t less silly and useless than the list of toys I used to do for Christmas when was a children.  I don’t want to face the fact all I need for real is death and salvation. Who is brave enough to embrace this? Death is natural, but salvation…. Would I recognize real light if I see it? Would I see it anyway?
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So it is Saturday-Sunday past midnight and soon I will go out to ride, among drizzle, junks, drunk drivers, dirt, and whores. Among sin and crimes the air is fresher to brief and easier to run. Sure I fear for myself. There is always a chance to be my last ride, breath and sight. I am a stag in the forest, not a predator even if I run and observe as a ranger.
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It is funny because at 8:00 AM a group of cyclists will be gathered to run all down town, when it is warm and safe. I will be there pretending I am one of them, ignoring what they say behind my back. Hi, you know my name and I am one of you. My lies never end. My body will be exhausted and they will be fat and lazy after breakfasts complain it is too early for a Sunday and are still feeling asleep.  I just want an excuse to ride a little bit more, this time feeling safe even if it is all fake.
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List of things I must to conquer in this life. Doesn’t matter the results, any idea related to it is a source of spiritual misery.
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